I don’t know what it means to be “me” anymore.
I like chocolates. But do I truly like chocolates, or do I like the idea of liking chocolates? Eating chocolates gives me pleasure, but I’m not sure whether the pleasure comes from chocolates themselves or the experience of eating what I’m supposed to like.
I started to feel like everything I do, I do it only because of the idea of “I’m this kind of person who does this”. Do my decisions depend purely on what I want to do, or do they follow my idea of what kind of person I’m supposed to be.
If what I do is determined by who I am supposed to be, it means I’m unconsciously, but also constantly reflecting how others would see me. The idea of “myself” is an entertainment show that presumes a presence of others, and I’m only acting to make my audience understand “who I am”.
Then, what is it that determines “who I am”? If I am always myself, my interests, preferences, or beliefs shouldn’t change since they are components that build “who I am”.
But the fact is that all these components are changing. I used to be obsessed with Harry Potter, but I’m not anymore. I was sad when my mom cooks fish for dinner, but now I prefer it over meat. If my components are not definite, I don’t know what parts of me (that I can sincerely say) belong to myself.
This brings me back to my first question, if my liking of chocolates is wholly my preference, or is it a temporary factor under certain circumstances in order to make sense of my show – by acting according to who I am supposed to be.
What is actually me?